Booze Cruise: Drinking Your Way Through the Heatwave

Words by The Snackler
Photos by The Snackler

It was the summer of 2017. A pretty aggressive heat wave had hit the West Coast, as if Satan himself widened hell just enough to remind us he’s still down there… waiting. As a fan of drinking (let’s just get that out of the way), and someone whose attention span craves a rotating change of scenery, I was determined to find the best spots that would, at the very least, slow the rate of boob sweat I’ve been producing this season. While some of these places didn’t quite meet my expectations for cooling off, I did succeed in drinking my way through the heatwave. *If my therapist is reading this, my thirties are treating me well.

Location #1: River

The river was pretty cold, but the encouragement of the sun convinced me to get deep inside it. First I enjoyed a La Croix Tall Boy on shore to properly hydrate, but before entering the river I made a mimosa in a large reusable plastic bottle (because nature and shit… don’t litter kids). This is the ideal treat for a river float because you have your bubbly and your vitamin C, and you’d have to try pretty hard to get wasted on this. Usually the juice’s sugar gets to you first.

Always remember to be safe and aware when dicking around in the water. The water here was fast, the river was narrow, and because it was the end of the season, the water was also shallow. This scenario was actually pretty fun to me; it was like real life frogger the entire time. You have to keep your wits about you or you’ll get high centered on a giant rock, or stuck in the nasty spider filled trees lining the river. OMG those trees were pulled right from my most horrific–spider filled–nightmares.

I give the river 5 stars.

Location #2: Rooftop Bar

Umm… why did I think this place would be cool (in both meanings of the word)? First of all, there were more nicely dressed, judgy-eyed business people here than I have ever seen in one place. And I have very judgy eyes, so I know. I could have worn something a little more appropriate for the occasion, but with heat and drinking comes comfortable clothing. There were big umbrellas at the lounge seats outside, and on this day there was a slight ocean breeze ever so gently brushing my cheek.

I ordered the sparkling rose, and it came in those impossible-to-drink glasses with the wide mouths and thin stems. So obviously I spilled half of it trying to take my photo. I stayed kinda cool, got to enjoy the sun under some shade, listened to the buzz of the city, sat alone being outfit-shamed (man, the tech boom has really changed this place), and probably paid too much for rose. But it was definitely a change of scenery for me.

I give the rooftop bar 3 stars.

Location #3: Basement Bar

My thought here was since heat rises, the best place to go would be underground in a dark, dingy basement. The vibes in this place are more my speed. I’m a sucker for low lighting, good music and really obviously themed décor. I went early enough to beat the nightlife crowd, slinking into a corner booth by the ONLY industrial sized fan in the place (nowhere in town has AC as far as I could tell from the little research I did). The fan was for sure the life-saver here. I ordered my go-to whiskey soda with a lime, sat in the corner, sipped and stared.

Boy do I like daydreaming. When I snapped out of it, the place seemed more crowded and I could feel a group of people inching closer and closer to the big-ass fortress booth I had claimed for myself. They could tell I wasn’t going to invite them to sit with me. It got pretty stuffy with the extra bodies, and legend has it the place doesn’t ventilate too well, so there is weird condensation that drips from the ceiling. I took my last sip and got out at the right time.

I give the basement bar 4 stars.

Location #4: Renaissance Faire

Heading to the Renaissance Faire was a really fun idea because it only comes to town for a couple weekends a year, and I love a fucking spectacle of costumes, themes and role playing. Holy sensory overload–this place was great. As far as cooling off or coverage, there wasn’t much of either. The beads of sweat forming all over my body let me know this wasn’t quite the right setting for beating the heat, but it was 1000% the best place to drink. I stopped at all the vendor booths, threw some axes, pet a cat wearing a peasant outfit, marveled at the leather vests, bought a bottle of mead and headed to the jousting arena.

Okay, a bottle was ambitious. I made some decisions by the end of this adventure that had me asking, “Why am I like this?” I sat in the section for Spain. It was the only 21+ section I could drink in. Otherwise, I totally would have sat with Germany. I’m competitive and prideful, and as it turns out–aggressive. I started a “You’re a Dick!” chant when Germany beat us (I knew they would) and “accidentally” flashed the King of Spain when I lifted my shirt to use it as a rag/fan to battle the sweat. Some people forced to sit with me on the bleachers actually had a great time. Others probably wished I hadn’t been there, but overall I came out on top with all the precious memories.

I give Renaissance Faire all the stars in the sky.

Location #5: Alone in Apartment

Windows: open. Fan: blasting. Clothing: optional. Wine: decent. Toddlers and Tiaras on the tube. I’m starfished out on my new velvet couch without a care in the world. Man, am I glad to be here. I am a firm believer in making a house a home, so no matter where you go, wherever you wander and spread your wings, you always have your own personal paradise to return to. 

Zero stars for switching up the scenery, but 5 stars for the fact nothing beats drinking alone in your home.

Share This Story: